Cara reflects on her journey with Penumbra Mental Health

I have always had temperamental mental health, that has led to me having support for most of my life to manage my wellbeing. I have many mental health diagnoses – many which work against each other. This can make life difficult and unfortunately leads to chaotic crisis.

I believe it was the crisis navigator who referred me to Penumbra’s self-harm project. I was dubious at the time regarding how I felt about working with Penumbra. I felt guilty and thought it was meant for people who really need them, not silly old me with mood dysregulation. However, I was proven wrong. I started working with Stephanie who taught me the one thing no one else has managed to teach me – self acceptance. I have struggled for years hating myself for my mental illnesses and how destructive it can be. Stephanie has been fantastic with me. She has been supporting me to understand where my symptoms come from, how to work with them and not against them, and how to take care of my wellbeing. Things that have never been taught to me – in a way I would understand.

In the past, my care has been very clinical and forced upon me – in the sense I have been forced to talk about my difficulties before I was ready to, and it was extremely fast paced; it made me feel like I felt like another number in a broken system. I recently was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) – and it’s turned my whole world upside down. I felt angry, upset and it’s shut so many doors for me in terms of support. Not to Stephanie it didn’t. She has listened carefully to how I feel about it, and turned the negative connotations connected to it into a positive dynamic of ‘work in progress.’ An ongoing support for myself if you will. 

I would get angry and deflated when mental health professionals would tell me to simply ‘help myself.’ I didn’t know what this meant or if I could even tackle such a task. Stephanie taught me those skills in a non-judgemental, safe, and adaptive way, that would allow me to understand exactly what I need or needed at the time. I felt like I was talking with a friend, as it never felt clinical or judgemental – something I believe the entire health and social work sector support to do. 

Stephanie has given me the confidence, resources, skills and hope for a better future for myself, and one I am living currently – by prioritising my health and allowing myself to have difficult times without feeling guilty. I hope to whoever reads this, that if you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm, please get in touch with Penumbra. They have given me control over my self-harm and mental health and improved my whole life for the better. The one thing Stephanie has taught me that I’ll take away from our sessions is: it’s okay to not be okay. It is okay to struggle, cry, feel rubbish. We are human beings, and mental health does not discriminate. It can make and break us, but with the right tools, support, kindness, and time – we can live our lives the way we want to. I’m not saying I’ll be well forever, as this maybe is just a good period. However, I’ll use the techniques, advice and support Stephanie has taught me.

Thank you, Stephanie, for absolutely everything, and Penumbra for all the great work you do. A special shout out to The Edinburgh Crisis Centre who also do amazing work also and have supported me throughout the years.